Gut Feeling

Most of the mini dramas are morality plays.  In the lead male centered dramas the protagonist is hurt, abused or betrayed early. He then makes a decision to move on with their life and separate. Remorse then sets in with their wife/girlfriend character. The wife goes overboard in her distress and is often destroyed by his absence and her guilt of the way she treated him

In this drama the wife is again a CEO who is having flings on the side and her current side dish wants the husband out of the way. Even though he has been told not to provoke the husband the lover goes out of his way to drive the husband off.  After the husband leaves, she finds out the lover's betrayal and she seeks vengeance on him.  The wife is distraught the rest of the drama while the husband remarries and becomes very successful. 

I don't know why I so quickly identify with the male lead but it's another drama that is hard to watch when the beautiful wife is betraying her husband while still professing love for him. I have a real sense of loss and feel the heartache. I do something funny in the pit of my stomach that I think involve my diaphragm while stopping my breath and along with the immediate lock down on my ribs and the start of the folding of my spine. I have to stop the scenes frequently and walk around to feel what I am doing and relax different parts of my muscular action and to breath more normally.  Seemingly once I involve myself in the drama I lose the ability to feel what I do to myself.

The Simp(le) Life

 One of the themes in many of the mini-dramas is how the husband is often portrayed as a simp. A simp is a husband who kowtows to his wife in all things. In this particular drama the theme is taken to extreme. The wife a rich heiress and her and her daughter have a double life. They put the poor working husband through massive degrading tasks simply to toy with him for the pleasure of her and her rich friends.  The wife and daughter fake the need for life saving surgery and in order to raise money he sells one of his kidneys.  

Still believing his wife and daughter need money for their lifesaving surgery, he immediately tries to raise some more money after donating a kidney and winds up being a server at a party with rich young clientele.  His wife and daughter are at the party but, they don't recognize him because he is wearing a mask. They and other partiers put him severe degrading tasks that border on torture. It's a very difficult scene for me to watch and I usually skip through the scene by advancing the cursor below Just the thought of it makes me clamp down on my ribs and start to bend.  The scene is absurd from a logical position but that does not seem to matter on how I react. The only way I can counteract the flexion pattern is to take a break and get up and walk around. Only when my thoughts are separated from the drama can I start to feel what I am doing and let it go to some extent. 

I have been a simp most of my marriage, but it was a choice I made.  A good portion of it was because I didn't want to stand up for myself, so I acquiesced to the status quo.   Because of my wife's illness I have a lot more power in the relationship now but that does not make it better for either of us.  Did I make the wrong choice in bending to my wife's will? I believe to some extent yes and some extent no. It's not that I didn't get my way many times during our marriage, but it was at the cost of emotionally separating ourselves. Hopefully by being able to interrupt the caving in physically I can make better choices at least for myself. My physical reaction to any stressor seems to have a direct correlation on how I live my life.

The Agonist and the Ecstasy

 In muscular action two muscles around a joint often have opposite roles. One the agonist performs the contraction while the antagonist is one of relaxation. There can also be eccentric contractions which allows a weight to be lowered slowly and smoothly, and both muscles coordinate the action. My current understanding is that my anxiety interferes with my ability to come a more idealized standing and sitting posture. When I am activating my flexors, I don't completely activate my extensors muscles. Over habituation of my lifetime the partial activation of my flexors could no longer be felt consciously.  The incomplete activation of my extensors also became normal, and I lived my life in an inferior musculoskeletal pattern

Working with the mini dramas I am trying to find anxiety provoking subjects and feel what I am doing. The greater the anxiety the more I seem to be able to feel the activation of my flexor pattern.  In this particular drama the wife is a divorce attorney. She professes a great love for her husband even getting his name tattooed on her collar bone. but she recklessly seeks out affairs with other men. During the drama her current lover continually send texts and videos of their affair to the husband.  They even drug him so they can heighten the thrill of their escapade while he is asleep next to them. The plot, the acting, are ridiculous but from the get go I identify with the husband.  In many of the dramas the cheating spouse can't stand the innocent spouse or has been conned by a scumbag which can be partially understood. However, to have a spouse who shows great sincerity in one minute and in the next she is pursuing her own ecstasy evokes a greater sense of loss in me.  If I don't take frequent breaks while watching, I can't easily clue in to what I am doing muscularly.  Taking a pause, I can feel the tightness in my ribs and a significant portion of the flexor pattern that has been cued.  This pattern is always present in me even when doing simple tasks however the greater the anxiety the more I am in conflict with myself.

Always afraid

 Gradually I am starting to realize I am always scared. Even though I can pretend to interact normally with people, behind it there is a systemic muscular patter of anxiety.  Most of the time when I am driving my head is nowhere near the headrest. If I attempt to sit straight, I can force the issue, but it does not feel comfortable. Just recently I have been able to partially interrupt my usual flexion pattern and felt my head resting against the head rest. I wasn't trying to sit up but to relax and inhibit my anxiety patter especially around the upper chest clavicle and sternum.  Again, it is not something I can maintain because as soon as I stop paying attention to it, I reactivate my normal way of being.

In this Chinese mini drama  the female lead finds she really loved her poor substitute boyfriend after all.  At minute 38 she feels the loss and her chest hurts and she can't breathe. I know this is a cheap drama but it reflects the muscular pattern of closing down the chest and restricting the lungs from fully expanding.  I believe it's how I lived my whole life. I remember seeing a risqué film were the young females bosom rose and fell and I thought there is no way my chest and ribs could move like that. I was puzzled at the time but now I am actually starting to feel what I am actively doing and can interrupt the pattern at times

Just a Thought

 Gradually it is becoming clearer that any anxiety causes me to begin the flexion pattern systemically throughout my body.  Just a thought of the slightest anxiety and my shoulder raise, the sternum is pulled downward, the scapulas wing and raise, my spine flexes and withdraws, my ribs anteriorly close and pull together and I rotate my pelvis. posteriorly my femurs rotate inward. The movement is slight but varies in intensity to the amount of stress I am feeling.  The cheap dramas give me a vehicle to monitor the movements, but I am constantly surprised how quickly I forget not to initiate the pattern. It is also very difficult for me to feel and assess if I am completely letting the pattern go.  At times I feel I have accomplished a relaxation which manifests as completely erect relax posture and 5 seconds later I revert to some degree my usual pattern.  It is hard for me to determine how much is an activation or physiological modifications to my skeletal system over time.

Get a Back Jack

 I received an email ad today for a Feldenkrais program. It spent some time on talking about breath and listening to your body as you lay on the floor.  I am in agreement that in order to find what you are doing you have to be able feel instead of blindly following advice. What I think happens if I try to stand or sit in my usual way I have the rounded shoulders, and a posterior tilted pelvis but if I try to counteract by standing straight I put myself in opposition what my anxiety is dictating my body to do. This is felt as work and strain and I collapse myself back into my usual posture very quickly.  I have learned to adapt my way of walking, running and living to this faulty posture and in a way that's who I am.

Using the Asian dramas to promote an increase in my anxiety I am actively trying to increase the feeling of peril and sense what I am doing and interfere with my normal process. When I identify with the protagonist and become immersed in the plot it is almost impossible to feel what I am doing. It is not until step out of the frame and examine that I can feel what I am doing. Then I can relax the shoulders and sit with better posture. I am able to move into the chest relax the pressure on my sternum anterior.

There is another element that is appearing.  Not only do I round myself into a ball I move my center of gravity backward by withdrawing from what is front of me.  It seems to bring in a postural balance reaction. I then need extra muscular contractions to keep from falling backward. It is not until that I move my center of gravity forward that it allows my back to a more normal resting position.  There is a saying about having no backbone which is an accurate picture of my life.  My back is constantly under strain because it is an active response to anxiety

Immature Behavior

 I have been bingeing on cheaply made Chinese dramas. There are a few plots that are repeated over and over with some variations. Some of the most painful emotional experiences I have had are related to infidelity of both my lover at the time and my own botched attempt to cheat during my marriage.  Most of the dramas that I am bingeing on are about infidelity of the wife on the husband.  It feels easier for me to identify with husband and I try to monitor my own muscular response to the emotions being played out.

Moshe Feldenkrais wrote a book many years agon entitled Body and Mature Behavior.  In it there is a diagram of four postures I believe labeled A to D with A being the ideal and D being the opposite. I am in the D-  range for my normal activities.   Watching the dramas in their confrontational parts I can actively feel the global muscular contractions that are a very normal part of my life. Almost instantaneously I round the shoulders collapse my chest tightened my anterior intercostals and posteriorly rotate my pelvis. In effect rolling up into a ball.  There is some degree of this global action always present in the way I go through life.  Watching the dramas and playing with the global action I can feel the activity. However, even though there is some control as soon as I divert my attention I revert back to my normal.

Good Good bye

Been watching this video of Korean singer Hwasa lately. My work with the left tongue has been imperceptibly slow. Even if I am right on the theory, it would not have any practical value in all cases from the point of neurological rehab.  It is still very painful at times and once the pain starts it can last more than a day. The whole left side of the face and jaw are involved. It feels more and more like that it is a completely different way or not felt way before of moving this region

But back to the video, besides being a very cute catchy song, I am taken by the way Hwasa makes complicated movements with ease and simplicity. I am a very anxious person and in response to any stressor I immediately react by rounding my shoulders pull my sternum down and posterior tilt my pelvis. It is such an overwhelming response, 99% of the time I am unaware of it.  If someone says stand tall and upright or I give myself the command, most of the time don't let go of my initial muscular movement. I try to be more upright while fighting against myself.  My sense of watching Hwasa moves is that she is able to maintain that upper thoracic freedom due to good spinal posture. She can give a joy to the song because of the freedom she has. The song is poignant because it is about a breakup but being supportive of the partner. There is also a male version of the song which I like but the emphasis is on the words not the movement.

I have been watching Asian dramas. They usually follow a similar plot line of one Cinderella type gal and two guys with first find the guy and then switch to the other one and then back to the original. I find my emotions being pulled between hope and despair.  I have to close the videos often when it is apparent when one of the characters is going to do something stupid and causes distress to the other character.  However, it is a good way for me to check on what I am doing posturally.  If I find anything worth posting about, I may resume the blog.

Last Post

Just had my twitter account 'temporarily suspended' for violating some arcane unspecified rule. Twitter may have legitimate concerns that I am a bot of some sort but I don't feel like jumping through any hoops to get it reinstated.  Groucho Marx said "I wouldn't join any club that would have me".  If tweeting my feelings or retweeting my feelings means I have to jump through whatever filters they have, then it is not worth it.

I think it is time for me to move on from this supposed free information sharing of the internet. I am really not sure I have anything but the most simple of bots reading my posts here. I plan on continuing to work on my left tongue work as it comes. I may be wrong on the whole concept but I don't think so.

Take care

Terry

Are muscles near midline controlled by dominant hemisphere?

Perceptual asymmetries and handedness: a neglected link?

Why the right knee?

which way do you see? (If I read the initial presentation to the right I see rabbit and my brain fills in the ears. If I read it to the left my eyes see duck bill and my brain fills in the head. In any orientation I can see either depending on the direction of read)

Whale of a tale

There is a great deal unsaid in this article and probably a great deal of misunderstanding on my part. In my normal movements I don't think I differentiated the left muscular control of my head, face, tongue and sublingual region but used it in a subordinated way to the right. I think there is a large functional component, that may reinforce the hard-wiring, in that I normally see the persona of others as right sided and relate muscularly in that way.

I think I can use the left side now in a poorly differentiated spastic way and if I work hard enough get a sense of the persona of others in their left side. 

Blue Whales go both ways

"It was the first known example of an animal altering handedness to adjust to the context of a performed task."

https://www.newscientist.com/article/2153956-whales-switch-from-right-to-left-handed-when-diving-for-food/

Link

https://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/left-or-right-tail-wags-elicit-different-emotional-responses-from-dogs/

Link

The The ability to perceive

"This tendency of people to perceive what they expect to perceive is more important than any tendency to perceive what they want to perceive."

Expect to perceive is more important

https://www.cia.gov/library/center-for-the-study-of-intelligence/csi-publications/books-and-monographs/psychology-of-intelligence-analysis/PsychofIntelNew.pdf

I maybe expecting to perceive less from the left side of others faces (right visual field) so that is what I perceive. But then it would seem that there would not be a documented condition of pseudo neglect 

I still have to make a deliberate attempt to see the left side of faces during conversation but it has become more habitual. Watching interviews and such online I feel I get more micro expressions displayed on the right half of others (left visual field) face than the left. I think I expect to see the right half of others (left visual field)expressing the emotions I need to see to understand them.

The the thing is on purpose though I often do it accidently

Puppy dogs eyes

Saw this 'gut wrenching' picture  in one of my web journeys.  I immediately noticed the difference in the eye positions and then put in on my back brain burner. Since seeing the picture I was trying to determine in my mind why the puppy appeared sad. I'm not sure of why but the difference in the position of the eyes reminds me of 'chimeric' image here.  My blog post on the subject.

The right eye is not making contact and looking away and to the right.  The left eye does not seem as sad but there appear to be tear drops streaks on coming from the corner of the left eye. However if I ignore the tears I get a sense that the left eye is still reading the viewer.  Maybe in anticipation of getting a treat or other reward. The immediate sense of my mine in seeing the picture is how can I do something to cheer this fellow up. If I switch the puppies eyes in my mind I don't nearly get the same emotion.

PS Still getting gradual and more control of the left side of my head that feels more left initiated but it still remains incomplete and spastic.

Additional relink on horses

Traden' s story

Caught this on the golf channel this AM

Traden and Rory

The powerful right

Just read an interesting article on power.
If combined with pseudo-neglect and I pay attention to the left space (the right side of head of others) and they do the same we are communicating with each others right side.

When we watch someone perform an action, the part of the brain we would use to do that same thing lights up in sympathetic response.

Seeing the Lost Eye

Heading up to Eureka and planning on stopping by The Lost Coast Brewery again. I was looking at their artwork and noticed the large discrepancy of size between the left and right eyes. In most of the designs the right eye is much larger than the left. I believe it reflects accurately how I see someone. Most of my attention is normally directed (almost said drawn) to the right eye (their right) with the left eye seen but not really noticed.

On a personal note my left side of head is becoming more differentiated with the muscular elements being used in coordination with each other. I still do not have a defined left tongue and I have poor almost spastic control but it is definitely a different way of using my head than my normal right side dominant muscular behavior.

See him roar

Been watching Lionel lately. I share some of his political views and differ on some, but from the left tongue perspective there is a great deal of movement on his right side (my left visual field) of his face that is more prominent than the left side. However he does use both sides expressively.  Keeping the video on pause and using the arrow to jump on the timeline there are significant differences. I believe my instinctive way to see his face is to really see only the right side and relate to it with my dominant right side.

Lionel expressions

It's a fun face to watch no matter, but he needs a better set

Ungrounded

"Homunculus arguments are always fallacious unless some way can be found to 'ground' the regress."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homunculus_argument


On occasion one will run into this argument in the blogosphere to put down a point of view in a condescending way. "Of course you know there is no little man inside of you watching your actions"

I can evaluate by memory my actions of what I did yesterday, also an hour ago. I also can do it for a minute ago and possibly a half second ago. If I am engaged in conversation and I see an eyebrow raised, my memories of that action are pulled into what I am currently saying.  So there is no little man watching inside of me but in a way but I am constantly evaluating and remembering almost in real time.

overkill

Continued doubt

I have not posted in a long time. I did not feel I had anything more to add. As before I keep getting more movement in the left side of my head that I never felt before. Most of the movements are painful to some degree. I am getting more sense of movement in what feels to be my left lower sinus. However I still don't have a left tongue that I can manipulate in any sense of the word as in comparison to my usual sense of the older tongue. Until I can I will always have doubt my understanding is correct.


late edit

Just in the last two days I have had a great deal of pain and tightness. If there is a 'left tongue' it is tied to a much bigger use of the head and throat use in a global way that is very unfamiliar.

Get Lost

Recently visited the Lost Coast Brewery  with my wife and went on the tour. The hostess did a great job and in the tasting room we both took home a tasting glass with inscription on one side that said "Get Lost".


Can I see reality?

So imagine you have two kinds of creatures living in an environment. The first is tuned to respond directly to objective reality — the actual independent reality out there. The other creature has behavior only tuned to its, and the environment's, fitness function. The second creature couldn't care less about what's really going on in reality. What Hoffman's theorem says is the fitness-tuned critter will — almost always — win the evolution game.


Only if I am lost? Hopefully it's just a rhetorical question.