The Simp(le) Life

 One of the themes in many of the mini-dramas is how the husband is often portrayed as a simp. A simp is a husband who kowtows to his wife in all things. In this particular drama the theme is taken to extreme. The wife a rich heiress and her and her daughter have a double life. They put the poor working husband through massive degrading tasks simply to toy with him for the pleasure of her and her rich friends.  The wife and daughter fake the need for life saving surgery and in order to raise money he sells one of his kidneys.  

Still believing his wife and daughter need money for their lifesaving surgery, he immediately tries to raise some more money after donating a kidney and winds up being a server at a party with rich young clientele.  His wife and daughter are at the party but, they don't recognize him because he is wearing a mask. They and other partiers put him severe degrading tasks that border on torture. It's a very difficult scene for me to watch and I usually skip through the scene by advancing the cursor below Just the thought of it makes me clamp down on my ribs and start to bend.  The scene is absurd from a logical position but that does not seem to matter on how I react. The only way I can counteract the flexion pattern is to take a break and get up and walk around. Only when my thoughts are separated from the drama can I start to feel what I am doing and let it go to some extent. 

I have been a simp most of my marriage, but it was a choice I made.  A good portion of it was because I didn't want to stand up for myself, so I acquiesced to the status quo.   Because of my wife's illness I have a lot more power in the relationship now but that does not make it better for either of us.  Did I make the wrong choice in bending to my wife's will? I believe to some extent yes and some extent no. It's not that I didn't get my way many times during our marriage, but it was at the cost of emotionally separating ourselves. Hopefully by being able to interrupt the caving in physically I can make better choices at least for myself. My physical reaction to any stressor seems to have a direct correlation on how I live my life.

The Agonist and the Ecstasy

 In muscular action two muscles around a joint often have opposite roles. One the agonist performs the contraction while the antagonist is one of relaxation. There can also be eccentric contractions which allows a weight to be lowered slowly and smoothly, and both muscles coordinate the action. My current understanding is that my anxiety interferes with my ability to come a more idealized standing and sitting posture. When I am activating my flexors, I don't completely activate my extensors muscles. Over habituation of my lifetime the partial activation of my flexors could no longer be felt consciously.  The incomplete activation of my extensors also became normal, and I lived my life in an inferior musculoskeletal pattern

Working with the mini dramas I am trying to find anxiety provoking subjects and feel what I am doing. The greater the anxiety the more I seem to be able to feel the activation of my flexor pattern.  In this particular drama the wife is a divorce attorney. She professes a great love for her husband even getting his name tattooed on her collar bone. but she recklessly seeks out affairs with other men. During the drama her current lover continually send texts and videos of their affair to the husband.  They even drug him so they can heighten the thrill of their escapade while he is asleep next to them. The plot, the acting, are ridiculous but from the get go I identify with the husband.  In many of the dramas the cheating spouse can't stand the innocent spouse or has been conned by a scumbag which can be partially understood. However, to have a spouse who shows great sincerity in one minute and in the next she is pursuing her own ecstasy evokes a greater sense of loss in me.  If I don't take frequent breaks while watching, I can't easily clue in to what I am doing muscularly.  Taking a pause, I can feel the tightness in my ribs and a significant portion of the flexor pattern that has been cued.  This pattern is always present in me even when doing simple tasks however the greater the anxiety the more I am in conflict with myself.

Always afraid

 Gradually I am starting to realize I am always scared. Even though I can pretend to interact normally with people, behind it there is a systemic muscular patter of anxiety.  Most of the time when I am driving my head is nowhere near the headrest. If I attempt to sit straight, I can force the issue, but it does not feel comfortable. Just recently I have been able to partially interrupt my usual flexion pattern and felt my head resting against the head rest. I wasn't trying to sit up but to relax and inhibit my anxiety patter especially around the upper chest clavicle and sternum.  Again, it is not something I can maintain because as soon as I stop paying attention to it, I reactivate my normal way of being.

In this Chinese mini drama  the female lead finds she really loved her poor substitute boyfriend after all.  At minute 38 she feels the loss and her chest hurts and she can't breathe. I know this is a cheap drama but it reflects the muscular pattern of closing down the chest and restricting the lungs from fully expanding.  I believe it's how I lived my whole life. I remember seeing a risqué film were the young females bosom rose and fell and I thought there is no way my chest and ribs could move like that. I was puzzled at the time but now I am actually starting to feel what I am actively doing and can interrupt the pattern at times